clueless.

my friends think i dont spend much time with them, and so are the poeple i love. im sorry for not staying back and lepak with you guys. im the boring gene in the family. i dont know how to have fun. or lay back and relax. blood pumps in high pressure in my veins. i keep panicking and i dont how to stop. i can get too focused and nothing can distract me. i dont know how too loosen up. i can get too high on life and hopes and suddenly i just have no interest in whatever im doing anymore. i can be a good listener sometimes but sometimes i just pretend that im listening. im 21 but already im feeling like im 42. how much i love being pampered and spoiled and loved but i just have to grow up and be mature. i hate being left alone but sometimes i need time for myself. to just stop and rewind. the world does not revolves around you, i keep telling myself.

im sorry for being a fun-sucker, back-stabber, lembik, too organized, can-make-up-her-mind friend, problematic/destructable girlfriend. *sigh* i just want you guys to know that i love spending time with you guys, its just sometimes.. i felt guilty. for having fun, ignoring all the problem even for one second. when people close to me are handling it by themselves. i feel like i should be there when i am needed the most. i feel guilty when im happy and laughing my heart out, but there are people who cant experience it like i did. i get panick easily. even when things went a bit off track. im a crybaby. i admit that. though ppl wont agree with that. yes, i cry a lot. sometimes its hard for me just to shut my eyes at night that i have to cry myself to sleep. sometimes i think to myself i dont deserve it all, sometimes i ask myself why must it turned out this way?




there are 263 stars tonight. and counting.



im so so so so sorry.
and i dont know what im apologizing for.