ungrateful me.

as im typing this i havent found a suitable post title for this entry. and im pretty much still unaware im in my holidays. holidays can be boring, when you got nothing plan out. or you plan out too much you dont know where to start. holidays can be crucial too, as you have more time to think and look back/ flash back, whatever. it scares you. well, it SCARES the hell out of me.

so its important that i stay in touch with pesa at ALL times.

its only been 4 days since pesa went home, that i turned out to be an insecure lunatic and started asking him--u know... questions.



"what if one day you fall out of love with me?"


"what if one day i turn out to be syanie, but darker version. will u still love me?"


"why dont we get married earlier. u do want to spend the rest of ur life with me right?"


the questions i obviously know challenges a man's gut and i should somehow avoid asking them. but i did anyway. but he never- NEVER gets tired from them, and repeated tell me how much i meant to him and asking me to trust him.

but this one question slipped out from my mouth. and he was afraid.


"ika rasa nak berhenti belajar. what if i was meant for something else?"


i was giving up. and he has tried almost his very best to make me not to give up. he sighed. i feel like a failure. seriously, im tired. this course is tiring. especially when i had to do it on my own. without any clique for exam tips, friends for group study or lab reports. alhamdulillah, i made it through these years. but somehow i feel i just cant go on.


"kalau berhenti belajar, ika nak buat ape?"
dilayankan jugak. adoi, penyabar nye la bf ni.


pause. and silence.


"tak tauuuu"


silence. again.


"complicated nye pemikiran semakin kite besar. susah nye fikir nak jadi ape sekarang ni. masa skolah dulu senang je kalo cikgu tanya nak jadi ape, senang je jawab."


pesa was silent for a moment and then replied, "pilot."


i laughed out loud. nak jadi pilot??? bahahahahahahaha. so-supportive-me. hehe


"ok ape. tinggi, tak rabun."


"hmm, ok la kot. =)"



a tense, serious conversation turned out to be a funny one. see how hard it is to stay mad at him for more than 5 minutes? haha. all this happened because i got B+ in statistics, i dumbly forgot to answer 1 more section in my finals. i worked hard to get an A but i didnt. i was crushed the minute i saw the result and was crying like a baby. i told ibu, ibu cakap bersyukur la, Alhamdulillah tak fail. and it smacked me right in the face. im being ungrateful. =(

ALHAMDULILLAH.
(for the B+ in stats, for the bf that constantly reminding me to selawat and keeping me in my senses, for ibu that have been supportive and guiding me.)