moodswings part 2

it is exactly 44days until our nikah day. I'm having mix feelings.

1, headache from the debts i need to pay. *calculating how many OT i can do to support the wedding*.
2, relieved. finally kebenaran luar nikah from JAIJ passed! tho ayah had to angkat sumpah syarie, (more on that later) it went well. Ayah said he's going to JAWI today. To settle it all.
3, sad, I'm not getting married in my hometown, JB but in KL, just because my mom said it's convenient for everybody (yup, bride's feeling not that important)
4, very sad, since the wedding will be in KL, few of my friends can't make it.
5, scared I might be disappointed, since the wedding is two weeks after raya, people might have splurge their money on raya prep, I'm a bit scared and sad few might come up and say they might not be able to make it, no money already...

I know right. no happy feelings at all. but too late to complaint now.
I just hope i'll get my reward after the wedding. prolly  a new laptop (hint). hehe.

see ya later, aligator!

Maaf

I'll give you all the love i want in return
But half a love is all i feel, sweet darling
It's too bad, it's just too sad
You don't want me no more
But i'm gonna change your mind
Some way, somehow
-Massive Attack: I want you


"Men are taught to apologize for their weaknesses, women for their strengths."
Lois Wyse

"When you realize you've made a mistake, make amends immediately.
It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm."
Dan Heist

For every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness.
~Author Unknown

p/s: saya sayangkan awak...maaf untuk segalanya

Sekadar luahan rasa

Biar hujan atau ribut melanda, aku tetap bersamamu


Rasa cinta padamu tidak akan pudar dari hatiku


Biar ke mana sahaja ku pergi, kau setia disampingku

Nilai sebuah hadiah itu tidak bergantung kepada kemewahannya


Titipan kasihmu membuatkan aku bahagia dan aku berharap kau juga bahagia disisiku

acceptance ep. 4

when is a person really satisfied?
when is a person really happy?

i wish i was given a specific guide to how to reach you expectation. because when i thought i was already there, you told me i still have a long way to go. well, you did not actually said it like that, its more to criticism and sarcasm.

im not saying that im right, and that i deserve every empathy and attention i should get after i express my feelings. i have not heard from your side, and i thought maybe, u had a rough day-- all year round.

i did things i dont even like to do, just for you and it thought i have gave my very best and all you could say was "get creative". no thank you's. no thumb up.

and when i did things where im totally scare of doing, u said "whats so hard about this? its easy." for you! you had more than 30 years of experience. im still new at this!

somehow, im thankful that i am treated this way. you made me cant wait to get on my own two feet. you made me work hard. you made me think forward. most of all, you made me strong. mentally.


how weird this may sound, you might be the first person i thank when i made it to the real world.

take me to the club, i need to dance.

2 papers down.

i've been having this massive headache this few days. i rarely talk to people. when i talk i get nauseous. i've been dealing with dramas my whole life. i dont need another one from myself. but this is for real. i couldnt hold it any longer. i couldnt scream, i couldnt run, i couldnt escape. i felt like my uni was shrinking on me. it was so clutterred, so full, so suffocating.

he wanted to get me talking. but i dont know where to start. im starting to lose interest in things, what im wearing, and i dont even know how to decide. im being dramatic, and i hated it. but i cant helped it. hence, im became silence.

im mad. for things not going how i expect it to be. for things being out of my control. i am even mad of what she had done. i know you are reading this, stalker. because my baby sister got mine linked to hers. get your own life bitch. stop invading my life and using my stuff. we dont know each other, you were not properly introduced to me. so why would i treat you nicely? im no hypocrite, and im not going to treat u any different just because you know my family. there's a fine line on whats wrong and whats not. and i guess you are too immature to understand them.

said you were forced, you had no other choice. you have your mouth to say no right? or you are just plain stupid? then how u got into uni? buy your way in? bloody. i dont believe anything that came out from your mouth. not even that sweet smile. pity, u got the face, but not the brain. you are too damn shallow. you dont see things in bigger perspective. and im grateful for that, i least i know where i am, on top of you.

last warning bitch. i got your number. and you know the world is on my side.


p/s: huh, i got this fantasy where i wrote your number everywhere i go, "call this bitch, surely to be entertained. 012-XXXXXXXX". pergi sujud syukur i didnt do that.

acceptance ep.3

time exam la tangan menggatal nak berblogging. haish! miang betol tangan ni. tapi takpe la, asyik mengira je kang demam datang semula. heh. alasan!

baru minggu lepas ika didatangi malapetaka dan petanda dari Allah s.w.t. cerita sini simpan sini beb. jangan pecah lubang. gua jatuh longkang. titik.

serius,lepas habis type 'titik' kepala ika dah terbayang muka-muka yang membaca. gelak. angkat kening sebelah (tanda ayat tergantung). dan berbagai- bagai lagi visualization yang mematikan mood untuk terus menaip. namun, ku gagahi jua. gini la cerita dia.

sampai kat belakang aked.

anak prof abas: ika, baru balik from jb ke? banyak barang..

ika-banyak-barang: owh. aah. bese la mak aku. ko dari mane?

anak prof abas: dari bilik lecturer stats. project dah leh amek kat blek dia. aku nak tengok carry mark. dia tade plak. (sambil gulung2 past year). ko pegi la amek projek ko.

ika-banyak-barang: (peh! baru ari kedua stadi week dh buat past year stats!) *muke rilek* erm. later la. aku exhausted. tangan aku pon penuh ni. ok la bye.

anak prof abas: bye!

jalan belakang aked tu penuh berpasir. ika pun berjalan la atas gigi longkang untuk mengelak possibility ada taik kucing dalam pasir. kang sia-sia crocs ni bercorakkan tahi kucen. sambil berjalan tu ika terfikir kat bilik air masak ada tak? past year stats letak kat mana ek ari tu? eh. minah tiga orang ni bestfriend ke? semua pakai hijau. yang kanan tu sekali lawa. eleh. tengok crocs ika la tuh, jeles la tuh. hehehee..

*kaboooommm!* tak dapat tangkap bunyi sebenar ketika tumbang.

"YA ALLAH!!" ika dengar makcik kat aked menjerit dan bunyinya semakin hampir.

ika dah tertiarap atas gigi longkang. separuh badan sebelah kiri berada dalam longkang. separuh lagi di atas gigi longkang. (kiut kan?) . awek tiga orang tu terkejut + tersengih. beg berisi blanket purple kesayangan yang masih berbau softlan diselamatkan dulu dari terlepas jatuh ke dalam longkang. dan dengan segala chakra yang masih tinggal dalam diri, ika push diri untuk bangun. ika bangun cam cool je. pastuh jalan semula. keadaan kembali normal. makcik kembali ke stall dia.

dalam perjalanan balik, lutut rase kebas+ sakit. lelagi bila bergesel dengan jeans. aaa! mesti calar-calar, darah-darah! tengok bawah kat lutut. mood dah down. nak nangis pun boleh. tak ramai orang ni. te-ta-pi. mata ika tertumpu kat jemari yang sedang memegang bag berisi blanket kesayangan. dirt+blood all over it. kebas. ouch!! baru rasa sakit la. hampagas. tahan lagi. tahan. sikit lagi sampai bilik. jangan nangis wo, tak cool.

sampai bilik. campak barang-barang (sekali tengok macam bangla jual kapet,betol memang banyak barang.), tukar baju, call boifren kesayangan. "ika jatuh longkang." tak, tak. tak buat pun bunyi sedih. cakap cool je, professional. padahal nak nangis dah nak leleh dah air mata. haha. pesa pun call ibu. beberapa minit kemudian, ibu call "ha, whats wrong?". "ika jatuh longkang tadi. hahahaha.sakittt". time ni sumpah nangis dalam gelak. ibu pun risau. siap suruh balik buat x-ray semua. ayah call pulak. "jatuh longkang. tengok mana?? macam mana boleh jatuh?". dunia menjadi chaos sebentar dengan berita ika jatuh. harapnya atok tak call pulak lepas ni. "qada' dan qadar yah..". "heh, pandai la ko." tiap kali sujud sakit lagi pale lutut ni. takpe la. kata budak meki. tough kan? (angkat tangan tunjuk muscle ciput).

esok nya jumpe chicks meet uncle hussein onn bitches. cerita la kat mereka.
"hahahahaha. ko ni fani la ika. miss kelam!". melekat terus title tuh. pesa turut tergelak besar dengan cerita di atas. glad he found that amusing. huh.



aku lah miss kelam dan sepupu tiga suku.


se-miss kelam aku pun, aku dah ada boifren!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
gila riak nak mampos.




p/s: cerita pendek untuk en faisal baca sesudah selesainya perang dengan exam control.
p/p/s: ai lof yuuuuu!

acceptance ep. 2

a fact to be told. im not gonna be watching confession of a shopaholic in cinema. or go gaga and aww over it in the darkness of the cinema. the movie probably is no more in the cinema by now.

its disappointing yes, since ive been so looking forward for it. i've been reading kinsella's since i was fifteen. watching one of the novel came to life (movie to be exact) would be like watching a dream coming true. luckily i handled the situation lightly. i didnt broke down n cry. though it was like so going to come true since its screening in malaysia was dated on the 26th of march! what a birthday present it would be! but yeah, i acted like a mature woman. i should receive an award for that.






pfft. yep, im downloading it illegally. arrest me. im being pathetic.

acceptance ep. 1

girls mostly sucks at driving.
and im the living proof of it.
maybe the only thing im allowed to drive is a tank.


phew. its gonna took me a while to get these flashbacks stop playing in my mind.
and hopefully i'll mature.